Q: Is this website helpful?
A: Yes, this is one of the best websites on the entire World Wide Internet.
Q: What’s with all the political tweets? Barf!
A: The “Victory” in “Victory Bar” is a refrence to Orwell’s Novel “1984”…..so we are very into propaganda.
Q: What do you think of the new Portland?
A: It sucks.
Q: Are minors allowed into the Victory?
A: Yes, but only well bahaved ones. They may sit quietly in the dining room with their hands folded in their laps. Please note: we do not have high chairs or play areas or baby changing tables in our restrooms.
Q: Can I make reservations for large parties?
A: No, but our dinning room is flexible and usually does accomdate large parties fairly well. We recomend that you send in an “early bird” to find a spot if your expecting a larger group.
Q: Do you have a happy hour?
A: Yes. Click Here.
Q: Do you realize how many mispellings are on this website?
A: Yes we do. We put them there to make you feel important. Thank you so much for pointing out all of our mistakes. You are a very helpful person. We are so glad your collage education is really paying off.
Q: Whats with all the wierd artwork and crap?
A: The theme of Victory is based loosely on the George Orwell’s novel 1984, so much of the decore “celebrates” propagahnda.
Q: Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Bro! Can I get 3 Titos and sodas??
A: No. We do not mess with Texas.
Q: Is Victory a “Hippster” bar.
A: It used to be back in the 70’s. (1870’s)
Q; How do I complain about something?
A: Right here by email: [email protected]
Q: How come you guys do not answer your phone?
A: We are small and do not have a secretary. Sorry about that….email us.
Q: Do you have DJ’s ?
A: Are you asking if we pay some 23 year old to play Morrissey for four hours? No we don’t.
Q: I am Gluten Intolerant. Is Victory right for me?
A: I am sorry to hear about your intolerance. We have an Uncle who is very intolerant (about all kinds of things). You’d never guess he had a problem with intolerance though, because every time he walked into a restaurant, he didn’t go around telling everybody about it. If it seems that we may have designed our menu without personally consulting you, that’s because indeed we did. Sorry about that. We totally respect individual dietary intolerances and food allergies. However our kitchen is not large enough to offer a solution to everyone’s special needs. Please always feel free to ask us specific ingredient questions. But please understand that our ability to alter menu ingredients is extremely limited.
Q: Why are your Belgian Beers so expensive?
A: They were brewed far far away. They are a special treat. They had to travel on a boat all the way across a very big ocean, just like Christopher Columbus did. Luckily our our imported beers do not foster genocide and mayhem, unless perhaps you drink way too much of them.
Q: I am very offended by your “KITTENS” page on your website. I do not find it funny. Will you please remove it?
A: We applaud your brave stance on feline rights. How do you feel about napalm, cluster bombs, white phosphorus, or land-mines?
Q: Why is George Washington wearing a native American head dress?
A: When wealthy white men do bad things, they often like to dress up as the theoretical “enemy”.
Q: Ah-ha! you really do hate America!!!
A: Dear NSA: I pledge aligence to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which its stands…blaa, blaa, blaaaaa.
Q: I am Vegan. How are you going to bend over backwards for me?
A: I am sorry to hear about your eating disorder. Some of our favorite friends are Vegan, so we understand how challenging your life can be. We do not specialize in Vegan food. Our kitchen is only 5 feet by 8 feet wide. It is very small. We are well known for food that is not Vegan. Unfortunately we just do not have the time and space to offer a large amount of Vegan food items.
Q: I am new to Portland. I am very intelligent, and pretty much an expert on every topic. When can I sit down with you and share all of my amazing suggestions with you?
A: Welcome to Portland! Your goanna love this city. I am sure whatever city you just left is going to miss you very much.
Q: Can I bring my dog to Victory’s outside tables?
A: No. We are here to serve food and drinks to Humans. We are not here to “bring your dog some water”. Does your kitty litter box need changeing too? Perhaps you would like to bring in your hamster cage so we can clean it out while you sip Olympia. No thank you.
Q: But I love my dog!
A: No, you don’t. If you loved your dog you would take it for a proper walk or to a dog park instead of a bar.
Q: Do you guys have Ginger Ale or Ginger Beer?
A: We do not participate in conversations about soda pop.
Q: Seriously, I am a young and conscientious SE vegan. It is so hard going into a restaurant and not finding suitable vegan options. When will Victory have a vegan food item? It really is frustrating to not be able to eat at restaurants because of who I am.
A: I am so sorry to hear about your difficulties. I bet you know exactly how Rosa Parks felt.
Q: Can you donate some money to my pit bull rescue charity?
A: With all the problems in the world, it’s so nice to know somebody is looking out for the pit bulls. I have often wondered…what about the pit bulls? Who’s doing anything for the pit bulls?
Q: I think the kitten page and comment is uncalled for. Will you please remove it right now?!!!
A: So far…Complaints about blowing up immaginary kittens: FOUR. Complaints about blowing up actual poor, dark-skinned children: ZERO.
Q: Serriously, I am Gluten intolerent. When are you gonna get some GF for me on your menu?
A: That reminds me of a joke: A priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a library. They go up to the front desk and say “We don’t like to read books.”
Q: What does your $7.75 Happy Hour Venison Burger come with?
A: It comes with a pink unicorn that shits gold coins.
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: God put you here to eat spatzle and drink bourbon-gingers.
Q: Why are you still reading this?
A: You have nothing better to do right now.